Becoming River

Notes from the River Valley during a dark time when I thought I'd lost my way. 
I remember the touch of the world but felt so distant, I forgot how to care whether I found my way back again. The only things that reach me are the poems of David Whyte and Rilke, and the Rivers Tyne.

I perpetually yearn, the longing is that I know I Am you, River. But for some mysterious rhyme, this time around, I was born into denser substance; so there's always this gap - whether by deed of human disconnection or through being moulded from duller material which produces this sense of separation; as if the world is an abstraction, an approximation of how everything ought to be experienced - and the inherent grief that comes from this division. 

And I feel it now, the River, pulling stuff out of me, simply by my proximity to it, the kinetic flow of it. Working on the generations, past lives and sub-strata of psychic scar tissue unavailable to my conscious recall. The ‘stuff’ that still grips me, governs actions, drives cravings and limits possibilities; all this being worked on - while I sleep, work, relate and play by the River, simply going about my unexceptional daily business - through the intelligence of the Elementals who occupy the interdimensional spaces of the River Valley.

When I die I'm going back to being The River...

Becoming River… Body responds 
as unspeakable longing, a wretched 
‘almost’ pulls on my organs, belly and breasts in 
an urge to merge ache for the possibility 

of Death throe surrender 
to the heart of the River;
a visceral and holy communion 
with the vast, formless, 
Godless stream of souls. 

Abysmal thirst and sheer will
could never serve, and 
a lifetime too brief to 
drink deeply enough
to Die to, or Live 
as this River.

Currents, seen and unseen, 
invisible realms of psychic River,
relentless; eroding my imagined self.

Shame, turgid habits,
the relationship I have to
the things of this world;
all relinquished with 
past and future 
to a deluge of 
present moment; running 
not past but through me, 
not beyond but in me,
a truth pledge, 
a promise
of peace.